I’m so glad to hear that creating your list has helped you get clear on what you want and don’t want in a man.Such an important step.

So, as a next step if you find that what you’re writing down isn’t what’s showing up then possibly what is showing up is attached to an old belief or block. So, stay aware of what is showing up and this will help you continue to fine tune your list.

I respect your additional advice that it would be wise for people to respond in the manner they were originally contacted. And as you also mentioned people tend to communicate in the manner they are accustomed to. So you can imagine that if you didn’t realize (easy to happen in our busy distracted lives) the other person wanted to communicate in a different way then you did how you might just respond in the way that was comfortable to you.

So, taking the time to explain the way(s) you prefer to communicate to the important people in your life and working out a compromise with their communication styles will certainly contribute to smoother conversations.

Christine

I personally looooove texting. I can’t always pick up the phone, and sometimes I just need to convey a short message. My rule though – if the conversation goes beyond three messages and starts turning into a full blown conversation – pick up the phone and call!

Great post! I certainly identify with long text messages that leave me frustrated and thinking, “Why can’t we just talk by phone?” In addition to being more personal, talking can actually SAVE time because texting takes forever when those messages get long! I would also like to add, for all relationships, not just romantic ones, that a person is probably wise to respond in the manner in which they were originally contacted. If someone calls and leaves you a message, call them back rather than text or email. If they send you an email, respond with an email rather than call. People usually communicate in the moment in the way that is best for them regarding that specific topic so matching their “language” in direct response to that specific communication is usually the best route to go. You can always decide together if it would be better to move to a different medium.

Thanks for you posts. They are always so insightful and so helpful!

Thanks for the great suggestion to discuss the best way to navigate this ‘as you accurately put it tricky subject’. Look for this subject in the near future.

Christine

Hope to hear from you again in the future.
Christine

As Christine said gift giving can work a lot of ways in families, so it’s just finding common ground.

I had great success with actually telling my husband exactly what I wanted and expected for a holiday gift one year, and I got exactly what I asked for. Amazing. Maybe you could do another post telling your readers how to approach this subject with their partners. I think it’s tricky – you don’t want to come right out and say “wow, you suck at giving presents, let me tell you what you’re doing wrong.” lol And then you don’t want to tiptoe around the subject so lightly that they don’t get that you’re sending them a message.

Maybe you can break it down for us – what’s the best way to tell someone that you like…appreciate the new hamster, but you would have preferred flowers. (okay, nobody ever gave me a hamster, but that would be funny…not really.)

How wonderful to hear that some of these techniques are ones you feel you could comfortably try as an off-the-scale introvert. And finding new ways to comfortably go into social situations alone is also a great way to continue to meet new people. I’m glad to hear you enjoyed the movie and you are now interested in watching it from the batender’s perspective. I’ll look forward to hearing what you think of his advice.

Happy Dating, Christine

First list: “What I want and need in a man.” Determine what personally “works” for you emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually, and spell it out clearly on this list. Then you’ll know better what to ask for when writing your profile. You’ll also be better equipped to figure out in your initial meeting (either on the phone or in person) if this person is a match to your list.

Second list: “What I have to offer a man.” Spell out your emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual attributes on this list. There is no need to talk about your disability in your profile or initial conversations. However, do take your disability into consideration by including the activities you enjoy and also the activities you don’t (or can’t) do. When I was dating, my personal profile said, “I enjoy outdoor activities including hiking, long walks and boating and then I’m a hotel kind of gal (no camping).” It’s important to be honest and accurate because the “right” person for you will recognize themselves in your words. You’ll be amazed (I was back then and my coaching clients continue to be now) that once your lists are written out conversationally, the “right” men will just start to show up in unexpected ways.

So now let’s talk about your first question – when to share about your disability. Let’s assume that, up to this point, (1) you haven’t mentioned your disability in your profile or in initial conversations with potential dates and (2) you’ve been honest about what you want and need from a man and what you have to offer.

Men who think they fit the first list and are interested in your second list will write, call or walk up and talk to you in the lettuce aisle in the grocery store. Your job is for you to decide if they fit your first list and if you want to go out with them. (An important thing to remember at this point – if a man talks to you and then asks you out, be reassured he likes who you have told him you are!)

Go out with him a couple times and see if he is enough of a match for you to continue dating. At this point you can elaborate on some (not everything all at once) of the things in your profile or from your initial conversation about what you don’t do and why. This information definitely needs to not be a complete surprise to him; it is just more information about what he already knows.

If he is still the “right” guy (because I’m sure at least one of the emotional things you listed is for a man to be compassionate in his treatment of other people) then he’ll either be okay about what you say or he’ll be kind about not being okay. Finding out how he feels before you get attached is important to your emotional and mental health. If you continue to date him, keep sharing more information a little at a time until he knows everything you need him to know about your disabilities.

I hope this is helpful. Please keep me posted on your decisions, progress and any additional questions.

Christine

I have a disability that affects when and how I can do activities; however, I still live an independent lifestyle. I would like to get back into the dating world, but I hesitate because I am not sure when to share about my disability, and how it will be received by the guy. Can you offer me some suggestions in how to successfully jump back into the dating world?

Thank you,

Debbie

Listing your “important” and “non-negotiable” items in order of importance will help you get the most important ones out of the way early. Pick the two most important traits and two of the less important ones and create inquisitive questions around them.

It’s important to be curious, not confrontational. If you ask inquisitive questions with your traits in mind, you’ll get your answer pretty easily. Remember this is a person you don’t know very well, so asking the “I’m curious to get to know more about you” questions is normal and expected.

Here’s an example. Let’s say one important trait is that you like some alone time while in a committed relationship (and your list specifies how much time you need per week/month). So, in the course of conversation when you’re asking about his career (what does he do, how did he choose that career, what does he like about it) you could ask if he ever works evenings or weekends. Or if he travels for business, how much is he gone. Or you could ask him what he does in his spare time (poker with the guys, yearly fishing trip, can’t miss football home games.) His answers should help you determine if your valuable alone time will happen naturally.

If you have a specific “important” and/or “non-negotiable” trait in mind and would like advice on how to craft your “curious” questions, please write again.

Happy Dating,

Christine – Online Dating Expert