First dates – from a man’s point of view, from a woman’s point of view

Because I’m in the relationship business, I hear a lot about those “awful first dates” – from both men and women. Sometimes the complaint is, “The other person did all the talking and didn’t learn anything about me.” Other times I hear, “I had to do all the talking and ask all the questions.”

Learning a few simple techniques can help change these scenarios and ultimately lead to more successful first dates.

From HIS point of view

Men often tell me their first dates feel like job interviews. The woman asks lots of questions about his life. The man feels obligated to tell the woman all the important information about themselves so they will be considered for a second date. They also think it is impolite to interrupt her questions to ask some of their own.

Remember ladies – if a man has asked you out for a date that means he’s attracted to you. However, he doesn’t necessarily assume you’re attracted to him – he thinks he needs to impress you (by answering all your questions) so you’ll want to go out with him again. 

I try to help men understand several things about how women think and feel:

  • Women talk to feel connected.
  • Women ask questions because they’re genuinely interested in finding out more about the men.
  • Women ask questions because they’re waiting for the men to ask them some of the same questions. Men are surprised to hear this. That’s because, as a man, he thinks if she had something to say she would just say it (because that’s how he does it). 

Men tell me they feel mentally exhausted after first dates like these. Additionally, they’re disappointed because they didn’t learn much about the woman (because she was so busy asking questions about him). And they don’t know if they want to go out with her on a second date, because they haven’t learned enough to know what they think and feel about her.

From HER point of view

Women often tell me they feel they have to carry the entire conversation on a first date. They feel obligated to keep asking questions and sharing about themselves. Frequently, they don’t feel the man is very interested in them because he isn’t asking questions. 

A few things about women in general:

  • Keeping the conversation going can be easier for a woman because women talk to feel connected with the people in their life. 
  • When a woman wants to show interest in another person, their inclination is to talk because to them this conveys genuine caring and respect. So, when a man asks questions and shows genuine interest in what she has to say, a woman feels cared about and will be more inclined to go on a second date. 
  • Some women find silences uncomfortable so they’ll continue to fill in the spaces with questions and conversation, while wishing their date would ask them something about themselves. 

Women with these beliefs and habits probably leave the first date feeling that they have acted interested in their date. However, because their date didn’t reciprocate, the woman feels like the man isn’t interested in them. 

When I explain to a woman why her date was answering questions but not asking them, she’s usually relieved to hear this because it tells her he really did care about what she thought. 

The Solution

Here are some ideas for you to try:

  • Women: Wait until the end of his answer and then tell him a story of your own that relates to the topic. Most men are relieved to stop talking and listen.
  • Men: When women converse with each other, they typically take turns. So, you can try this as well. Answer the question she just asked and then ask her the same question.  (Just the fact she chose this question probably means it’s an important point to her and she’ll be happy to tell you her point of view.)

Using just these two techniques (and there are so many more) will help create back-and-forth discussions where each person shares their information and learns about the other person. The result? More fun and interesting dates.

Got any techniques to share? I love hearing from my readers.

~ Christine
Dating and Relationship Expert

Goal Setting + Purposeful Dating = Satisfying Relationships

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One Response to “First dates – from a man’s point of view, from a woman’s point of view”

  1. Mary Schmid Says:

    Thanks for the great tips! As a woman I love to chat and sometimes I just need to remember that “silence is golden!”

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